Natalie’s reflections from the March 2010 Redemption Group Immersion…
God talked to me a lot about his leadership during this Redemption Group Immersion. I felt honored to be asked to co-lead a group but felt nervous, too. To be honest, I was afraid of messing up, of saying something wrong, of misleading people in my ignorance or sin. I was paired with a leader who had co-led my original RG almost two years ago, and our gifts, styles, and stories are very different. Together we led our group awkwardly, stumbling through disagreements at the start and repentance of our sin as the week continued. It was incredibly sweet to see God unify us and lead us.
It was on Wednesday morning that the Holy Spirit showed me that I was thinking too highly of myself, that specifically I was thinking I was a better leader, further along in something, than my co-leader. He broke my heart as he revealed that I actually thought this toward him–that I didn’t like his leadership and thought I could do better. The rest of the week involved confessing and repenting of this over and over, as he gave me chance after chance to trust him and admire him instead of myself. It was truly lovely to see him at work.
I am stunned by his perfect timing, knowing, loving, speaking, and doing in the lives of the women in our group, in the lives of everyone. He instructs, warns, comforts, and heals each of us with a gorgeous precision and stunning intimacy. Oh the stories of his love and faithfulness that we heard! God made much of himself this week, as he led me to himself with so many others. He graciously didn’t let me be a great leader while he showed himself to be the Great Leader.
Now that it’s over, my Father keeps talking to me about how he loves: today he showed me, again, that my fear of failing and falling are based in my desire for some of his glory, and in a distrust of his future grace. He will show me grace whenever I fail, whenever I sin, as well as when I obey—any obedience of mine is also his grace. I am shocked anew by the cross that has ministered such miracles to me!