Eric’s reflections from the March 2010 Redemption Group Immersion…

On the plane ride to Seattle, I began to realize a few things about myself. First, I had a voracious hunger for approval. Second, that this hunger had been greatly affecting the way that I relate to my wife and children, often making them a means to an end. And third, that I did not really expect God to show up and help me. I despaired and begged God to show up anyway.

When I got to Seattle and started going to the group, I realized that I did not know the half of it. My expectations and hopes for God’s active work in my life were even lower than I had felt on the plane ride. At best, I began to see, I live and think as though God cares about what I’m doing wrong, what I can do right, and what I can fix, but not so much about my pain. I admit this even as someone who would assent intellectually that I have been purchased by Christ, that I have the Holy Spirit, and that I will one day join the Lord at His banquet table on the Last Day. Here and now, though, I have been accustomed to living as a functional deist.

This kind of attitude has the effect of keeping me out of contact with my pain and with other people. It also causes me to swing between ignoring God on the one hand and on the other hand, demanding that He show up in my life according to my timetable and expectations. I also do this with the people closest to me; my wife and children feel my alternating silence and subtle demands for love.

About halfway through the week, I became so desperate for God to show up in my life and family that I was admitting things to God I hadn’t realized were true. I told Him that I felt alone in the desert, that His apparent absence felt like betrayal, and that a part of me was still afraid for Him to show up in any real way, but that I was desperate enough to wait for Him to show up in whatever way He wanted to.

I was hunched over in my chair weeping with snot dripping from my nose straight down to floor for about forty minutes while the guys in my group prayed over me. I remember one of them saying, “God, we’ll wait here all day if we have to,” and I immediately wanted to say, “guys, thanks so much for praying for me, but maybe we should stop because I’m not even sure what I have a right to expect out of God. What exactly am I waiting for?”

As one of the leaders is fond of saying, God “flipped the script” on me in that moment. He showed me that all of my disbelief had been played out in the palm of His hand. He took my story of lonely desert wandering and made it a story in which I am the one constantly hiding from a presence I could not escape even for a moment.

I deserve the plagues of Egypt, but Christ has purchased complete and utter reconciliation between me, a vile idol worshipper, and the Holy God. But for me, as for Israel in Egyptian bondage, God “heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant…God saw…and God knew” (Exodus 2:24)

Part two of Amy’s report after the March 2010 Redemption Group Immersion…

In the large teaching one of the speakers was talking about the Red Sea and allowing God to take you somewhere you were afraid to go. He asked the question, “Where is God trying to take you that you don’t want to go?” After that I knew I would have to write about my mom. I felt that God was asking me to go back to that intense pain and look at it again to see him in it. I was resistant as I did not really think Glory could come from something so dark and void of dignity as my mother’s suicide. I was afraid that if I went there, God would not be big enough to bring me back. It seems embarrassing to share that, as I am not ignorant of truth, but if I am honest, that is what I was thinking. Plus, the sinful part of me had elevated the pain and darkness of her death to something beyond God.

In the last session of the second day, the group leaders called on me to share where I was after the teaching. I shared about my fear and where I thought God was calling me to go. They gently pursued me and got me to expound upon my fear to get down to my anger at my mom and at God for not saving my mom. I admitted that I was angry for the first time really, and how ashamed I was that I was angry and afraid. I was amazed how in that moment God felt very near and how I was able to speak about it with out falling apart. I admitted that being emotional and vulnerable in front of these women was so scary because I feared they would reject me.

When another group member started to share, that is exactly what happened. She belittled a lot of what I had said by telling about her special gifting and how when she is apprehensive about where God is leading her, she is full of excitement, not fear.  She said many things, and while in my head I knew they were not true, I also heard a whisper, saying, “See, I told you they would reject you.” I was sobbing as I tried to put the wall back up, but God held me there, without it. Eventually the leaders called her out for her insensitivity and restored safety to the group. We went home for the night. I was shaken, but I could already tell that this was different.

I have never been reduced to sobbing in a group of people, and I have never gotten a good night sleep after any amount of vulnerability if it was unexpected. Something was changing for me. God was working.

I thought I might be anxious going into our first group time the next day, but I wasn’t. I went in lighter with no stomach knot.  When I had to share my hurt with the group member that caused it, I was not fearful or guilty. The group encouraged me and praised God for the work they could see being done.

I am grieved at how long it has taken me to let God in to the most painful part of my story and devastated by my sin in making my suffering bigger than God. At the same time I am amazed and humbled and thankful for the work he has done in spite of me and happy to give him all the glory, even in the darkness.

Part one of Amy’s report after the March 2010 Redemption Group Immersion…

When I arrived at the Immersion, I was a self-protecting, glory-stealing, fearful woman. My plan was much like it has always been in my adult life. Stay in my head, evaluate the process, divulge as little of my self as possible, but enough to get people to approve of me. I had even decided what parts of my story I would share and what parts I would absolutely not go into.

On the first session of the first day, I met my group. The leaders shared their stories, and I was blown away by their vulnerability and lack of fear. I started to worry that my plan might be harder to carry out than I thought.

When it was my turn to share, I barely looked up. I was gripping my seat trying to keep my stone wall up. The first words out of my mouth were, “Sitting in this circle in this place is terrifying to me.” I thought, “Ummm, that is not what I was supposed to say…” I went on to explain that because of a chaotic, often abusive childhood, where vulnerability was mocked and taken advantage of, I learned quickly how to shut off emotions and self-protect. Maybe as a child I needed that coping strategy because it was necessary, but now it isn’t and by holding on to it I am just sinning.  I said that “I know God is calling me to begin the process of letting it go and to start it now with this group. But I am terrified.” I shared nothing of what I thought I would. I told the truth.

One of my joys in recent weeks has been to hear from those who’ve returned to their churches since the Redemption Group Immersion in March 2010 with fresh vision and skill for gospel ministry. The seeds planted then are bearing fruit already!

One lead pastor who attended the Immersion with a female volunteer leader in his church said in an email:

I cannot tell you how much that Immersion process changed both [female leader] and I. Our church is different as a result! Visibly different!

Here’s what has been going on since RG Immersion for [us].  [We] have started [two] Redemption Groups with younger people (High School up through about 24 years old).  We are learning a ton from leading these groups. I have seen a TON of change in the guys as they have been faced with their own version of self-savioring (new word).  [Female leader] has just started her group but has already seen some incredible fruit from her time with the girls.

I have been consistently amazed at how I’m sensing that God has gifted both [female leader] and I to champion the Gospel through a Redemption Group experience. There is some visible fruit that is coming out of following Jesus down this particular ministry path.

It has affected my preaching at its core as well.